Good Evening my dear playfellows!
Enter Nighty’s playground and prepare to shiver— that is not a chill you feel my fiendish, friends of fitful fright! Welcome! Yes! Enter the realm of all things horror and settle in for a long while— did I say “long while?” (cackling maniacally)
Images of death… hmm…
What exacts the image of death more than a “hearse”? Well, coffins maybe…
But the procession of a funeral, leading the way for those silent and mourning, provokes many an observer to shudder, seek out a button (a superstition to ward off death from calling on someone close to you) and hold it tight until the final car has passed.
The sight of this corpse, carrying car, can cause us to bow our heads in reverence and dare our eyes but look away!
A funeral procession is a ritual dating back as far as Ancient Egypt. These connoisseurs of cadavers were masters of the Afterlife!
Forming a long line, mourners walked. Leading this walk of death were women of woe; paid to cry and do so loudly. My dear playfellows, what a way to make a deben!
Behind these ladies whom they deemed “mourners,” came the family of the unfortunate deceased and then whoever else decided to pay their final respects. Followed then by the coffin; resting upon an ornate sled, being pulled by oxen most generally. Holy men walked beside the sled. Behind the entire procession, were those carrying the deceased’s possessions and servants carried food. If the trek was long, the body was set upon an elaborate funeral boat, weighing over 40 tons. This boat would escort the coffin and it’s following before they walked solemnly to the tomb. Holy Tutankhamun! What a way to go!
Now we’ll move ahead thousands of years, to a time when the corpse of a loved one was transported by horse and carriage;
Atop the carriage, a great, elaborate framework was constructed. Like Cinderella, only black and creepy— you get it, right? It’s supposed to be the last ride done with deathly style— Even the horses tended to be black!
Nighty’s favorite non color!
This later gave way to motorized sources. Although they existed in and around 1909, the motorized hearse did not take on until the 1920’s.
Some hearses originated as ambulances! Ooh, now that would be a ride I’d rather pass.
“Oh Uncle Ted, we’re calling an ambulance for you. You took such a nasty fall.”
Hear that my dear playfellows and “Run!”
(Wicked laughter ensues!)
In Chicago, (Nighty knows the town well) for a time used trolleys as a means of transporting dearly departed Cousin Pete. They ran over the elevated tracks in the downtown area traveling to the suburban cemeteries. They were special, funeral trains that operated only certain days of the week.
I guarantee the long, since dead gangsters in Chicago would have been greatly surprised, had they picked the wrong day to take the “L”— Standing room only next to a rotting corpse, is far worse than the stench of body odor in a train car filled with 9-5’ers.
Nighty can attest to that!
Now— for Nighty’s final “Way to transport your dearly departed”— This is for all my badass but dead, Biker fans out there. They (the powers that create such things) have devised a motorcycle hearse! Yes, my dear playfellows— lovers of the open road, they indeed exist!
This hearse is actually a motorcycle with a special sidecar, meant to carry a casket! What a way to roll toward the Highway to Hell!
(Nighty bounces in demonic delight)
So, my dear playfellows however you choose to roll for that final ride, to wherever you choose to go, you see from Nighty’s electronic coffin, you can create a cavalcade of your own design!
Of course, when it’s your time to ride…
Whenever that may be, Nighty will be waiting…
Ooh so many choices! Need some help?
(Screams hellishly)
In the meantime, remember to keep the “fun” in “Funeral” and stay scared, my playfellows!
Stay very scared…
(The revving of a motorcycle is heard in the distance…then, howling demonic laughter follows…)