Welcome my dear playfellows, enter into the realm of Nighty’s Electronic Coffin. Pull up a tombstone, feel the glow of the full moon and listen to the horrific howling; be it man or beast? Which would you prefer? (Screams hellishly)
So, tell Nighty… ever been possessed? Oh dear playfellows, as fun as this may sound, Nighty begs you… Please do! Uh-hem… oh no! This could prove most unfortunate (wide and fiendish grin). But let us say you decide to dabble in some demonic art and get yourself in this sort of predicament—ya know what I mean—possessed and all—Well, there are ways to rid your mortal (Nighty prefers immortal) soul of whomever has chosen to take up rental of your vessel. That’s right! An exorcism! Oh yes my dear playfellows, this practice has been in existence for centuries and spans a number of demonations—oh forgive Nighty—denominations. Whether you be a believer or not, let Nighty tell you, if you must find the need of this service, you best believe—that “demons” exist that is. (Wicked laughter)
You bet Beelzebub they do! Some of Nighty’s most fiendish friends are of the demonic persuasion. There are those who lay in wait for that opportune moment to inhabit a soul so willing—well—you may not be prepared but oh willing you are, when you mess with the darkside, so ill informed.
Where shall we begin? Well, let’s see… Wikipedia states “An Exorcism is the practice of evicting demons.” Oh, my dear playfellows not to discredit Mr. Wiki here, but “evict” a demon? I can see the scenario played out… handing one so possessed a legal document stating that, said “demon” must leave the premises, which includes the body of said possessee, by the date of… we’ll say this time tomorrow. Can you guess what this demon would do, besides laugh in a demonic manner, rip up the document, shove it in any available orifice you may be presenting, and more than likely throw up Linda Blair style all over your premises; including upon said possessee. That would be one demon with a sense of humor. I dare not think what one most evil would do! Now let’s be real. You cannot evict a demon, nor can you ask it politely to cease and desist possessing your buddy Ben. There are rituals which must be followed. These rituals all depend upon your region and your religious/non-religious persuasion.
There is one such Church that conducts an elaborate formal rite, which can only be performed by a true Exorcist—meaning someone trained to exterminate demons. Imagine that final exam! A real killer I’d say- especially those who fail the class! (Screams in giddy delight) Now, if the priest passes his class and one day gets a call from the big house, requiring his service, he must now test the so-called possessed, to rule out any mental illness or other such malady which could mimic a possession. In other words my many minions, they must prove the one needing to be exorcised is not nutty as a fruit fly—well, maybe not that nutty but you get my drift.
If they prove the afflicted (that’s what they call ‘em) is non-nutty and indeed possessed, they then proceed to cast that demon out! Yep—they throw water and yell words they learned in Exorcism School; there is much thrashing and crying (and that’s just the priest). You can only imagine what demonic helter skelter goes on in the body of one so possessed!
If success is achieved, the possessee is then warned to stay away from Ouija boards, horror movies, thrash music and any and all black attire. You know, the usual stuff demons like to hang out around. If unsuccessful, well my dear playfellows, Nighty does shudder at the thought. Death is most inevitable—and for those who believe the possessed to be suffering from mental illness, (we’re not talking OCD here) will end up institutionalized with many a fruit fly, never to be heard of again.
So, my dear playfellows take heed and avoid being possessed! Avoid at all cost that dreaded thrash music. Although, you can still wear black. Hey, Nighty does and look at me! (Devilishly bats her blood red eyes) Then again, go ahead be daring, play with the Ouija board—add a little dash of scary spice to your life (no, not that wretched girl group) and please by all means, Stay Scared…
(Wicked laughter echoes and fades to screams)